Ants...

Dear Ants, And so we meet again, this year thankfully you had the good grace to abstain from inhabiting my underwear drawer, but I can tell you now your Queen is giving you dud advice on where to conquer and populate next. As I opened the printer to change Light Cyan I saw you flee with your babes in arms, like children at a lolly throw – scattering across the cartridges and disappearing into the nearest hidey hole. You are no match for my new hand-held vacuum and despite my pacifist tendencies, my vegan background, and my innate drive to avoid being the instigator of genocide I had no choice but to suck you up into that cylindrical prison

chamber. Like clowns from a Mini, you just kept appearing…upon skilfully evacuating one swarm of six-legged soldiers, another infantry appeared darting across the yellow cartridge and into the scanner. Seriously? Have you been drinking? Is this the office Christmas Party? Do you think it’s amusing to make multiple copies of your tiny buttocks pressed against the glass? Did you forget that I work in human resources…this is nothing new to me, and my wrath will be swift, and deadly. And another question, why Cyan? I saw you, you draft dodgers. You weren’t interested in Pink or Magenta, no you were all clustered in Cyan creating your own little deluxe suite. Actually you are probably quite on-trend with your colour selection and I commend you for your exquisite taste! I appreciate that all of those pre-formed grooves, tunnels, and nooks of smooth and shiny plastic will save you infinite hours of labour fashioning a city from dirt, sand, and the carcasses of your enemies however is it worth risking your life for? I think it’s time you ditched your Queen Cersi for Queen Sansa – she doesn’t care for your welfare, no doubt she is plotting her next empire of minions, perhaps she is eyeing off the Land Rover – those luxurious leather seats, the blue-tooth navigation and hands-free technology, the power-steering? Ants, it’s time to get back to your roots – there is a whole world out there, beyond the Epson – go forth and explore, before it is too late… Sincerely yours The Termantnator